It took me adjusting a few things on LinkedIn before I felt the weight of the changes – all of the changes, including the possible looming ones – and realized how sad I am.
For stories stopped short.
And for stories that will end and begin.
I finally just let myself feel the sadness, and cried. And through the tears, I looked at words on the screen that used to mean so much, that carried hope, and now, because of changes, were empty. Made me feel lonely.
And usually I’m okay with that. I’ve courted it many times, appreciating the adventure of it. I’ve also brave-faced it, knowing that it can be a good thing, even when it seems nothing but a challenge.
And maybe what I should say is that I let myself feel this new wave of sadness, because, this I do know, it comes in waves.
People admire my ability to compartmentalize, and I won’t lie – it definitely helps; but I also recognize that it’s dangerous. If I’m always packing away the sadness so that I can move forward with a grin, what happens when there’s no more space for it in the compartment it’s supposed to stay in? When the waves become an ocean to fold around me and cover me in darkness?
And so, as I adjusted details on my LinkedIn account, I mourned the changes being made, knowing that it reflects a bigger shift in the journey than I expected. One that I understand, one that I believe is right; but not one that’s been easy or will be easy.