Ah, nothing like Facebook Memories to shove the past in your face.
And 6 years ago, I was delighted…even though it wasn’t my favorite.
I mean, it was immediately not my favorite as soon as I opened it.
Heart-shaped jewelry isn’t my jam.
Don’t know why.
I get it that it would seem like a no-brainer.
I write love letters.
I’m all about the light+love.
I’m likely to sign my name with a heart, whether we’re close or not…
And yet, heart-shaped jewelry kinda makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth.
I accept it.
So, 6 years ago…I was delighted.
And kept my mouth shut.
And decided that the fact this piece had two different colored stones was just an inside joke between me and the Universe.
I look at this post now and realize, I didn’t do my part in communicating effectively with my partner.
I did better with the next guy.
He would come home with all kinds of trinkets, displays of his love and affection (boy, were our love languages ever different…gifts is at the very bottom of my list), and I would say thanks, love on him and nicely tell him, “Honey, you know I’m never gonna wear that.”
I always hated saying it.
But, it always worked itself out on the other side…
What I mean by that is, I told the truth and my partner knew me better.
My goal wasn’t feeding into the fluffy moment; my goal was making myself known to someone (at the time) I felt like I might be able to build a life with…
“Dating sucks…” my friend told me emphatically today at lunch.
I agreed with him.
It doesn’t seem to get any easier the older we get.
It’s harder, in fact.
But, if you’ll allow me a quick review of the past without the heartache (let’s put that messy bit aside), it’s been an interesting journey of lessons in who I am and how I interact with someone I care about…or profess to care about.
I’ve kept my eyes and ears open so that I could learn the lessons gleaned by others who are currently “out there” in the dating pool.
If I care about you, I (should) want to tell the truth.
Even if it’s hard.
Even if I’m scared to…
Even if I think it may hurt your feelings.
If I care about you, it occurs to me that I should give you as much insight to who I am and how I operate.
I should do what I can to help you understand me, to know me.
We don’t have time to guess about each other…
And in the same vein, we aren’t young and carefree at this stage in life; we’re older, with lives partly built, with responsibilities and commitments that keep our intuition at more cautious levels than when we were kids in love and playing at love. Not to mention, a lot of us are hurt (and still hurting) and less likely to be as vulnerable with showing our hearts as when we were young(er).
There’s no AH-HA moment with this series of reflections.
Well, there’s the hope that I’m growing, that I’m being a better truth-teller, that I’m loving myself better to know and understand myself (so that I can better share with others).
That if I say I care, I will really care…even when it’s hard.