I believe. Help my unbelief.

Text from a Friend: Your breakthrough, your blessing, and everything you’ve been praying for is right around the corner. Just hold on.

Hold up.

Everything?
Like everything-everything?!

I can’t even keep up with everything I’ve asked for…there’s a lot going on these days.

Your breakthrough…is right around the corner.

Hmmm…breakthrough.

I don’t even know what that means…

There are a lot of situations I’ve been working through…
A lot of behaviors I’ve been trying to…either improve or let die…
A lot of past I’d like to finally burn up…
(A lot of future I’m hoping to welcome…)

To be on the other side.
Finally through it…and on. the. other. side.

I mean, sure. It sounds nice.

But I don’t even know what “the other side” is supposed to be…what it looks like or what I’m supposed to do when I’m there.

The desires of my heart are plentiful.
Go back. Re-read. Right.

I asked: “Everything-everything?!”

Huh.

I believe. Help my unbelief.

Your blessing…is right around the corner.

Let me look that up…as a woman who grew up in the church, I don’t even have words for what blessing means…

And the first DEFINITION listed is…God’s favor and protection.

Huh.

Among other things…the other things, the associated meanings, are the things that came to my mind first.

God’s FAVOR and PROTECTION.

Huh.

Look – if anyone enjoys favor and protection…

I mean, I just drove to Philly and back with my child in a car that didn’t even have tires that would survive the haul up-and-back 24 hours before the trip. I recognize favor; and, ah, the protection…

I mean, I’m always talking big about hiding blades in my boobs like a badass Latina…you know, look at me wrong and I’ll cut you…I was born in Queens, man…

(You can laugh. I promise you – I just did.)

But the truth is…at any moment, from here to there and back, anything could happen. To me. To the kid. To the car.

I honor and acknowledge the favor and protection I receive as I adventure forth. And that’s just one example. I have many.

So…there’s more?

I mean, I’m not complaining. There are a million holes that need patching, cracks that need filling…damn, can we just knock the whole thing down and build from scratch?

(And while the house is most certainly in need of repair, you know I am talking figuratively. My heart as the house.)

In more ways that I can express, I feel like the house of cards is going to tumble.

Favor. Just around the corner.
Protection. Just around the corner.

I hope this corner isn’t too far off…

I believe. Help my unbelief.

Everything you’ve been praying for…is right around the corner.

Ah…not to be redundant, but, ah…

Let’s go back for good measure.
Let’s re-read to make sure we got that right.

I asked: “Everything-everything?!”

From the way I see it, that’s going to require a pretty big change.

And again, let me not take my experience for granted…

DEFINITION: Address a solemn request or expression of thanks to a deity or other object of worship.

Huh.

I remember his words: “You’re more serious now than ever. You were an old soul before, but now, you’re thoughtful in new ways. You’re deeper.”

Huh.

I wonder if that counts towards solemn requests.

Everything-everything.

Right; okay.

I believe. Help my unbelief.

Just hold on.

To what?!
For how long?!

In the midst of the phoenix fase, I’m burning. There’s nothing, no one to hold on to.

And if you’re asking the me that’s still a little girl attending Sunday school class, I’d say I’m expecting you. Any minute now. To arrive. So that I can hold on to you, walk with you. Not be alone in this fiery furnace.

You deliver those who are faithful.
Oh, God. What’s your standard for faithful?
I may miss the mark – remarkably.

Out of the flames. Unharmed.
With my prayers answered…
With favor and protection…
With a future to welcome…

I believe.
Help my unbelief.