I keep having to remind myself that you’ve had plenty of time to prepare yourself for what you’ve wanted – or what you thought you wanted. That’s why you’re so okay, because you’ve already seen your life separate from mine. You’ve already imagined it, planned it out – and so the action step is just a walk-through to the other side: your freedom.
I, on the other hand, felt tendrils of concern, but said nothing; saw a life without you and rejected the notion. I chose to fight for what I wanted: you. And come what may, I would make my decisions based on what life made of us.
And so, since I had already rejected my thoughts of rejection, your rejection came at me full force. I was shocked into realizing the moment I was afraid of and dismissed had indeed come – and sooner than I had expected. You had indeed been seeing your life develop without me at your side – and preferred that option over the option of staying together and fighting through the ebbs and flows of our connection.
And so, the aftershocks have left my heart riddled with holes and my mind processing even more slowly than I usually do. I keep pulling in the lines to realize that almost every single one is left jagged as it was cut with your serrated edge. And some of the older lines – the ones that you’ve cut before, the ones that I left out hoping that you would tie them back, are rotted and stink of decay.
I almost don’t believe my eyes: how could this be the affect of our shared connection, of all the moments that are truly wonderful because we were together?