The truth is you were the last straw.
The straw that shattered me – and shattered my heart.

And I was left, in the down below, flabbergasted…wondering how I was going to pick up – to find – all the pieces that were left on the ground around me. In this strange place, with these kind people…but still, people who wouldn’t expect to find the debris littering their home.

I did the best I could to pick up the pieces.
To clean the gore.

I took what I could, what I found, and packed it away, in any space that would fit – and vacated. Like the wanderer I am, I hit the road. The only lust that seems to have done right by me…the wandering kind.

And while the road led me home, it wasn’t a home I recognized.
And the heart I’ve pieced together doesn’t seem near the same as it was when I left.

I haven’t figured out yet whether this is a good thing, or a bad.
I think it’s just one of those things that is…that you have to develop a new reality around.

The present is the new reality.
Not one I wanted, but one I’m trying to settle into…
You could say it’s a “love the one you’re with…” kind of life.
One in which the miracle is the no…but god – what a hard miracle to live, to love.

No, this isn’t about you.
It’s about me: what I’ve learned, and what I’m learning –
And how I’m shutting myself up and tucking away my heart, because thinking about…

…well, there’s nothing to think about, because it’s better not to…

sigh

You were the lesson that taught me what it means to value integrity over connection.

And while I was focused on maintaining a wholeness that didn’t compromise my self-ness or the boundaries I had set from day one, I didn’t see how broken (in a different kind of way) it would leave me.