I am so incredibly sorry.
I don’t even know exactly how to tell you how incredibly sorry I am…
Being completely honest, I’m still searching for how to explain this properly.
Ironic that those should be the words that surface as I try to offer you a sincere apology.
And, please know, it is so sincere. There is no malice or irony or sarcasm in anything I’m about to say, because – as the old saying goes – “It’s me. Not you.”
I can’t say I didn’t know, because I did.
But I didn’t know how real it was; how transparent it was; how it affected others…
…how it must have affected you.
I thought it was in my head. And that I was the only one trying to make sense of the sticky situation.
No wonder you kept coming back to it, attacking me.
The residue of its honey was dried and tacky on your skin. An irritation, I’m sure.
But more than that, when you licked at the spot so you could wipe it off your skin, you tasted how sweet it was. And, there was no cleaning that flavor from off your tongue.
Earthy. Magical. Filled with light and heat.
A flavor that’s so familiar, so hard to come by…that immediately brings to mind all the richness of life, that stirs the memories of stories that are written on your bones.
More than an irritation, no doubt…
Feelings that were real and untethered…
And, you were so mad. So, so mad.
And to me, it made no sense. Not one bit of it. Because I hadn’t given it the attention it deserved.
How could you be so angry and so sensitive to something that had no definition, no shape?
I was as honest as I knew how to be at the time.
I’m sure that this comes across as a half-assed apology, but it’s not.
I didn’t have words or realization or…
Look, I just didn’t have the strength to look at it for what it was…
And so really, you knew before me. Or maybe, you accepted it before me.
I knew, but I didn’t know.
Why is it so hard to explain?
I knew, but I didn’t know how big it was, the command it would have.
A prior claim that blew out any hold you might try to assert.
And so, here I am.
A little older; a little wiser.
Enlightened with the investment of time to dig deeper.
With more understanding as to why this was a very real fight that surfaced and resurfaced in our time together.
You didn’t have my whole heart. And you knew it.
And, though you fought for it as best you could, as best as you knew how with the resources you had to support it, you didn’t stand a chance.
And I…stuck in the fog of my own making, of my own negligence and ignorance…didn’t put a sooner end to our misery.
I offered myself as a free individual with a heart that could be won.
And nothing could have been further from the truth.
I recognize that you tried, but your demons got the best of you.
I acknowledge the validity of your madness and my oversight…
On so many levels, it was my mistake for our paths to cross over each other for so long.
I wasn’t with you…and I wasn’t with myself.
Will you hold it against me for lying to you in ignorance of the truth?
I’ve often reflected at your dishonorable conduct, but I now know I’m the one to blame. I was dishonorable first.
I offered what truly isn’t even mine to give; I offered what has already been reserved…
Totally not honorable.
I am utterly sorry for making you believe you had a chance.